Thursday, June 12, 2014

Getting Rid of Oscar the Grouch Part 1

I've held off on writing a blog post for awhile because being angry at the world doesn't lead to good writing.

And I wasn't just angry at the world. I was angry at the military, my husband, and most of all myself. There were many days I was filled with rage and regret.

When we first got married and I moved to Alabama, I immediately found a new job in Birmingham- 3 hours away. I moved down there to be with Hubs, but usually I only spent 3 days a week with him. Going home felt more like vacation. I was constantly unpacking, cleaning, and packing again.

But it wasn't all that bad. Birmingham is a great city to be young in. I liked working and exploring a new place, and the friends I made at the Hash House Harriers were instant and awesome.

And, every bad day I would have would be rewarded with moving to Germany for 3 years. For me, living abroad was a dream come true. I'd get my old job back at Leo Burnett, only now in Frankfurt. I'd travel the world. There would be no bad days in Europe. Only places to go and things to do.

Then the Army fucked up. The woman in charge of signing my special passport let her notary expire, and continued working for three months. Her bosses didn't catch it, or didn't care. By the time we found out about it it was almost too late. We tried to remedy the situation. We informed Bravo Company, then while we worked tirelessly to solve the problem they, and all the people at Fort Rucker's Transportation office, sat with their thumbs up their butts until it was too late. 100 families were effected.

At the last minute, we were sent to Fort Bragg in Fayetteville North Carolina- nick named "Fayette-nam." Hubs would also be joining a deploying unit. He probably wouldn't get any vacation time, and would be off to Afghanistan within 3-4 months of arriving.

My world exploded. With the military slowly pulling out of Germany and Korea, this might be my only chance to live abroad more than a few months. I could never make my dream a reality- at least not without a divorce. There were times during the past few months that I actually thought about it. Not because I didn't love Hubs or I didn't think I would be happy with him in the future, but because he got to live his dream and I was, and am, completely and terribly jealous. Every time he and his friends would talk about helicopters, it just sent me into an internal rage. I was trapped.

I felt that the military has ruined my life. They don't care about me or Hubs. To them he's a number and I'm just an attachment. We aren't people who can love or be hurt. They don't care there isn't anywhere for me to work in Fayetteville, or that my graduate degree would have to be put to use at Starbucks so I could pay off my student loans. They don't care about my dreams or ambitions, just sticking me onto a base with a bunch of crazed women who shoot out kids because there's nothing else to do. I had a career and a life. Now it was all down the tubes. Again.

The sad truth is I was so focused on Germany, even if they had sent us to Hawaii for three years I still would have been a pile of poop.

When one person is unhappy in a relationship, it makes everybody unhappy.  And I strongly blamed Hubs for the situation we were in, even though it wasn't his fault. We began to tear each other down, not just in private but in front of friends as well. We fought everywhere, about everything.

Though we went on little vacations to take the edge off, and had a great time, I didn't get better.

One day we were at a friend's house having drinks when he pointed out to me that if his wife was unhappy, he could deal with her- but that when I was unhappy he wanted to be miles and miles away. There was no dealing with a miserable me. I was surprised. I'm usually happy go lucky, bouncy, and let most things roll off my back. What happened to me? When did I become some a raging bitch that nobody wanted to be around me?

I didn't want to be that person anymore, but I had no idea how to stop. I just continued being angry only now I was more aware of it- which was worse.

We headed out Fayetteville late one morning. The car packed up. Cat on my lap. I swore this would be a new start. A new adventure. We were out of Enterprise where I spent the majority of my time miserable, to beautiful Carolina. Or so I was telling myself.

As the car drove off I held Hub's hand cheering with fake enthusiasm about the road before us.

(PART 2 Coming's much cheerier I promise.)

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