NEVER-NEVER LAND

For the past decade I feel like I've been waiting for life to start.

No matter what I've done, that feeling hasn't seemed to go away. 

Whether I've accomplished extraordinary things- Climbed a mountain, backpacked across Europe and slept on strangers couches, lived in Germany and 9 other cities, and jumped out of airplanes.

Or, what you might consider "normal" - Finished college, graduate school, had two "big girl jobs," got married and finished several marathons and triathlons. 

I feel stuck. I feel the same way I did ten years ago- like when I went to college I arrived into Never-Never Land and still haven't grown up. 

Perhaps it's all the moving and never settling down. In 10 years I've lived in 7 states, 10 cities, and 2 countries. And always I thought the next place was where life would start. There would be a new job, there would be a husband, there would be an opportunity- but it seems like I'm still waiting. 

It was always the next place. 

For the past 2.5 years I thought life would start when I got married and moved to Alabama, but this seems very much the same. Now the next "real life starting point" is El Paso- where I will finally get to set up and decorate the whole house, finish my personal training certification and start working at that, and settle down for a little bit. 

But some part tells me that three years in El Paso isn't going to make me feel adult, or like life has begun. I guess I'm still looking for something. 

I suppose Never-Never Land isn't a terrible place to be. It's fun, and free,. But it seems like there's an alligator waiting to bite off my hand somewhere.